More Pain and Healing

     Of course I can’t stop thinking about him.  I have probably never gone an entire day without thinking about him in my whole life, but it’s different now.  There are different ways of thinking about it, but at some point or another they all converge on the fact that as long as I live, I won’t see him or talk to him or listen to him or ask him for advice.  And no matter how I approach that point, it is incredibly painful.  A very dear friend of his came by yesterday and talked to me for a little while, he explained an Aramaic word to me that means “transfer” I can’t remember the actual word, but he said that it is a word that replaces death in the Middle East, particularly for Christians, because rather than death which is an ending, it is merely a transfer.  And in fact, he said, it’s like a promotion.  It’s hard to describe the impact of those words on me.  It was so encouraging, and so good, and so true, but it still hurts.  One coworker may be happy for another that they were promoted to a better position, but the fact that the coworker will no longer be nearby to encourage and advise and collaborate may still be saddening.  My dad’s friend said that it is a happy event and that it is a good thing for my dad, but that when Lazarus died, Jesus knew He would raise him again, and that Lazarus would be alright. Still, Jesus wept.

    Is it wrong that when I’m alone I want to be with company and when I’m with company I want to be alone?  Is it wrong that when I eat, I notice that the food is good as a matter of fact, rather than enjoying the food?  Is it wrong that one day I don’t care about hygiene and the next day I think about how I look?  Is it wrong that I avoid going to sleep by writing a blog post at night when I know I need rest for tomorrow?  Is it wrong that I sleep like a log as soon as I do go to sleep?  Is it wrong that I describe how difficult days can be in my blog and then tell people that I’m doing “all right,” but then add a little worried look to show that not everything is right?  Is it wrong that I’m so aware and so in control of my facial expressions until I realize that I’m going to cry if I’m not careful?  Is it wrong that one minute I feel like I can’t live another moment, and the next I know I’ll have to live a lot more, and the next I really do feel perfectly fine?

    Two good friends of mine lost their moms to cancer in the last few years.  I remember seeing one of them a few weeks afterwards.  I was hesitant to approach her because I wasn’t sure how to start a conversation with someone experiencing so much grief.  I decided the best idea was to put on a solemn, concerned expression and just say hello.  Much to my surprise, she smiled when she returned my hello.  Then she started talking about everyday things as if only everyday things had happened in the last month.  I think she even laughed during the conversation.  Something didn’t make sense.  How could someone experiencing enough pain for years smile or laugh only a few weeks later?  Doesn’t the massive grief outweigh the momentary amusement?  Only at times, thank God.

    Thinking about the past is easy.  Thinking about the present isn’t too bad.  Thinking about the future hurts.

    Another encouraging/painful thing people say is that his body is just an empty shell, that he has gone home to be with the Lord, and that what we saw after he left was just a broken body, but that my dad is no longer there.  Of course, I’m incredibly glad that he no longer needs the shell and that he is finally in the completed form God always meant for him to be.  But I loved the shell too.

Romans 8 and some other stuff

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.  For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.  For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.  To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.  For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.  Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.  You however are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you.  Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.  But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness.  If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through the Spirit who dwells in you.  So then brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh.  For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body you will live.  For all who are led by the Spirit of God are Sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons by whom we cry, “Abba, Father!”  The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may be glorified with him.  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.  For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage and decay and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of together in the pains of childbirth until now.  And not only the creation but we ourselves who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved.  Now hope that is seen is not hope.  For who hopes for what he sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.  Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit interecedes for is with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those whom he predestined he also called and those whom he called he justified and those whom he justified he also glorified.  What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare His own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things.  Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect?  It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn?  Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all day long: we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”  No in all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

-Romans 8:1-39

 

Scripture reading always seemed so academic.  Sometimes there seems to be a layer of misunderstanding between my mind and the words on the pages.  I always thought that I needed to make the words speak to me by slowing down and various comprehension methods.  It’s not true.  Even to a visual learner, in the right time, listening is completely sufficient.  No forced thinking is necessary.

 

When you cannot trace His hand, you must learn to trust His heart.

-C.J. Mahaney

 

“If Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins.  Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished.  If in this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all people most to be pitied.” but if Christ has in fact been raised from the dead, we, even in our sufferings, are most to be envied.

-Quotation from 1 Corinthians 15:17-19