I’ve written about trajectories, which relate to human perspective of the future. And I’ve written about pain and healing, a perspective on the past. Now I’m thinking about a perspective on the present in light of the past and the future, specifically about decision making, or picking a trajectory after something painful. My dad’s advice for resolving disagreements usually included an obvious statement that always caught me off guard. He would tell me that I couldn’t control other people and what they did, but that I could only control what I did. It always caught me because I wanted justice. I did want to make someone else treat me the way I wanted to be treated. I was completely focused on what the other person should do to change, and the decisions they should have made. But that saying was undeniably true. My brain was wired into my body. I could control my own actions, but my wireless signal wasn’t strong enough to make someone else do what I wanted them too (thank God). Now it is ;) but that’s another story.
When I’m in a situation I don’t like, I still want to make someone else change. I want them to care about what I care about and want what I want (which is usually me having a nice day). Once I close down that option I become pretty sober. Of course all the best outcomes (the ones that make me have a nice day) sort of sizzle away. I’m left with this set of new decisions and outcomes that I don’t like as much.
1. Throw a tantrum: a good go-to option for people who like attention and don’t mind the appearance of absolute immaturity.
2. Get revenge: sneakier is better in this case. It usually works out best if I can convince myself that it was an accident, so I don’t have to deal with a guilty conscience.
3. Convince the other person they were wrong: Of course this doesn’t change the past, and it probably won’t change the future, but if I can convince that person I was in the right, then I can be vindicated and it can be shown that I was not at fault at least.
4. Blame myself: It’s best to find very small mistakes that no one would really blame me for. This way people are able to see that I really did everything pretty much right, but they can also see how admirably I can accept blame.
5. Decide this was really what I wanted to begin with: If dignity is important to you, there’s nothing worse than realizing that you are completely out of control. This move keeps me in the driver’s seat.
As I was writing these five options, I realized that these all are attempts to control other people or at least their view of me. You might not be surprised that I don’t actually recommend any of these. It really does take me a while to work all the way to an option that doesn’t try to control other people. When I finally get there, I still don’t like it, but it finally feels right, kind of like a vitamin C tablet or a plateful of kale. It takes wanting what’s best for the other person. It takes wanting what’s best for myself in a month or a year. It takes patience and self-forgetfulness. It requires the determination to give up. It takes the view that the next decision is more important than the last, and that the future that might be is more important than the present that could have been.
